Australia

Note: This article appears to be satire, and contains almost no actual facts.

Australia, officially the Commonwealth of Australia, is the largest alcohol flotilla in the world where dingos eat babies. This sort of thing might happen in Sydney, which is also the capital city of this Redneck Wonderland. Australia includes a number of secondary islands, the largest of which is the State of Tasmania, governed by a Loony Tunes character, Taz. Australia is a federation governed by Little Johnny Howard's brain inside a 30 foot battlemech.

Origin and history of the name

The name Australia derives from the satanic Latin term "diabolus australis" meaning "southern satan comfort", which was a drink that Lucifer would spin up when he visited Australia.

History

It is thought that Aborigines were the first people in Australia. This is incorrect. The first people to set foot in Australia were a time traveling family of criminal acrobats. However, this family was wiped out by the Aboriginal invaders. At least 500 years ago, British settlement in Australia began mainly as a dumping ground for undesirables such as the Irish and the Cockney. Then people started to realize there was easy money to make and the Greedy flooded in, dominated by Englishmen who invaded with the irresistable forces of tea, scones and cricket. They proceeded to wipe out the Aboriginal insurgents and their leader, Saddam Aborigine, bringing democracy to the land.

Government & Politics

Australia's official immigration policy.

Former President of Australia, Paul Hogan.

Australia is governed by a council of one known alternately as Honest John.

Australian politics are like American politics in that you have a nicely divided up party lines who see issues in black and white. The left is represented by dole bludgers, strikers, uni students and inner city lesbians. The right is represented by redneck cowboys, The Crocodile Hunter, and Samwise Gamgee. Both sides love George Bush, and spend most of their time arguing over whether "Honest" John is a sarcastic name or not.

Until recently it was not known whether Australia actually had politics. The majority of the world assumed they ruled their own alongside the badass koalas. Even though it is notable that there are politics, everyone, except people who listen to talkback radio and complain about the Western World 'stealing' the ugg boot, knows Australian politics are just a ghetto version of English politics.

Australian politics are completely controlled by the media, to such an extent that Rupert Murdoch recently declared political elections "irrelevant" and did away with them. Media control was instrumental in the pussification of the NSW Liberal Party, as John Brogden or "Broggo," as he prefers to be called tried to commit suicide with a switchblade after it became known that he was a complete pussy.

States and territories

Amazingly enough Australia has land. Large amounts of land. Even more amazing is that they are divided up by cattle fences and sheep fences. This makes them like other countries except more sheepish or cattlish. The more you know. There are six (or seven) states (or territories). Nobody's entirely sure, and neither do we know why they aren't all just states.

Geography

A boring fact which all Australian schoolkids are forced to learn (and don't see why they shouldn't let everyone else know too, since misery loves company) is that Australia is the largest island in the world. It is also the smallest continent. Many people feel this is degrading to Australia's "size".

Ecology

Although most of the continent is desert or semi-arid, Australia nevertheless includes a diverse range of habitats that are conducive to growing marijuana and poppy flowers for the growing drug trade. Australians also eat all those famous animals you see on television. Kangaroo pie is a particular tasty food, as is canned wombat.

Australia also contains the largest amount of poisonous snakes and spiders in the world. Many of them are becoming extinct due to Queensland cutting down its rainforests (nobody is entirely sure why, since it's not like they're taking up space or anything, that's what the DESERT is for). A popular favourite is the red Back Spider, horror stories of which are told to kids in the form of the famous song "Red Backs On The Toilet Seat".

Economy

There are only 300 7-11 stores in all of Australia. Some Aussies must make pilgrimages across the Outback to delight in the joys of a cold Slurpee. Australia uses the dollar, because that makes it easier to suck up to America. The government (ie Honest John) has a Freudian obsession with budget surplus. And we all know what THAT means.

Demographics

Because of the aging population, Australia has put into action an inversion of China's "one child policy." In this case the Australian government is forcing people into mass orgies. This happens in town centers on the first of every month everywhere in Australia.

Culture

Australian culture revolves around Santas on ATVs.

Australians like sports, knives, dangerous animals and bikini-clad women. Sometimes they like combining the three when Emperor Little Johnny Howard has his imperial games and scantily clad women are thrown to gladiators and tigers. They tried throwing them to the kangaroos, but they only eat Aborigines.

• The sole exception to this rule is the breakaway Republic of Tasmania, where the commonly accepted pastime is the subject of the annual Sheep Tupping Festival. It is recommended that non-Tasmanians not even ask what "tupping" is, and they should certainly avert their eyes.

Australia, like many developing nations, has experienced a recent growth in teenager counter-culture. Local pop idols like Norman Gunston attract masses of teenager fans who flock to waste their parents' hard-earned gum nuts on tickets to drug-crazed pop raves.

Australian pop idol, Norman Gunston

Sport

Apart from the gladiatorial games in Sydney, Australians also like competing in competitive games of rockpaper scissors, Jenga and a jovial match of human manhunt.

Media

Australian media consists of thousands upon thousands of boomerangs sent out with the news of the day imprinted on them.

National Symbols

The Ugg Boot, a style of fleece-lined footwear made from the hide of a tick infested sheep carcass, is commonly considered the country's national flower. Worn the year round by Australians from every level of society, it is proudly acknowledged as the country's sole contribution to international culture.

While invention of the Ugg Boot is regularly claimed by Australia's greatest rival, everyone this side of the planet knows that New Zealanders have only one historically documented use for sheep.

Fauna

The Emu: a big fucking bird

An emu pointing to Australia on a map.

The emu is the native bird of Australia. Every Australian schoolchild is taught wonderful, happy things about the emu. People thought those fluffy ostriches were the pinnacle of the Global Aviary, but an emu would (note: not 'could') eat an ostrich. You see, the emu is not really a bird, it is a giant lizard with feathers. It has reptillian talons. It has a scaly neck. Hell, it even lays GIANT FUCKOFF GREEN EGGS. Nothing in the Australian animal kingdom is quite right. This bird is really a closet lizard.

Furthermore, they are forever pissed off at something. The indigenous Australians must have systematically sexually abused every single one of these bastards because they absolutely hate people. Or they like the taste of blood. If you're out camping, they will attack your tent and eat you.

Creationists have a field day with this. How could something this stupid have evolved? Admittedly, they never see the flipside of this argument: what sort of fucked-up god would create this monstrosity? It belongs in bad Jim Henson films, not in the Australian wilderness.

Drop bear: the reason God made hats and rifles

Most animals went into the trees because the ground became unbearable. The ground was the realm of the dogs (or dingoes) and tigers (or thylacines) and various other nasties of the ground. Going into the trees was the refuge of nature's biggest cowards. The koala, the sloth, the monkey and so on. They went up there because they could not cope in the real world down here. Drop bears, however, went up there and got nasty. Not nasty in the "Yo, dawg, that skank is nasty" sense, but nasty in the "We have the advantage up here because nobody can see us until we drop down and eat them" nasty. Yes, the drop bear realised that it had gravity on its side. While the dingos and thylacines were looking straight ahead, trying to hunt down emus, the drop bear realised that it could drop straight down on top and eat them. Over the past few centuries with the introduction of mankind, the drop bear has realised that it can bite people too. Good work, God.

Kangaroo: because giant rabbits aren't scary

Kangaroos should be good. They look harmless. They look much like oversized rabbits, except they have long tails. Other than that, rabbit all the way. They are also yummy to eat, if you ignore the rank flavor, bitter after-taste, and lethal parasites. Kangaroos are also fearless. Most animals have an instinctive ability to think: "I can hear the noise of a big, loud truck. I should go in the opposite direction." Not "God's killer Rabbit." The kangaroo actively enjoys jumping out into oncoming traffic, destroying vehicles in its wake. Amusingly, they've also been known to bite little kids. This makes bigger kids happy. However, in actual fact, the kangaroos' weapon of choice is not its teeth but its feet. Have you seen rabbit feet? Multiply that several thousand times bigger. And unlike rabbits, kangaroos have a long, strong tail to balance on while they kick the shit out of you. It's not that they jump and then give you time to regroup (and run away), no, they just sit there reclining on their tail like a kicthen stool and jog sideways on your face.

Platypus: because people don't know what a duck's bill looks like

Platypi are monotremes. This is code for: nature forgot about them. They are mammals, but they lay eggs. They are mammals, but they don't have titties. No, no. That would be far too easy. Like the echidna, they secrete milk by having their young rub over an entire patch of skin. They sweat milk. Sweating milk is really, really foul. Furthermore, absolute buggernauts think that the platypus has a bill like a duck. They either haven't seen a duck, or they haven't seen a platypus. The platypus has BIG MOTHERFUCKING POISONOUS LETHAL SPINES on its hind feet. Australia really, really HATES the phrase "happy camper".

Koala: noisy, noisy bastard The koala is not a bear, but tries its best to appear like it is. Cunningly, this animal only eats one type of leaf from a specific type of tree. This means when there are no more trees, there are no more koalas. Good work, koalas.

The koala is not nearly as cute as everybody thinks it is. It is grey and hairy, yes. Like a 80 year old Chinese man in panties. It is even cuddly in the sense that any animal with long, sharp claws is cuddly. It is, however, vicious and prone to having lots of noisy sex which is the only time it is active. Imagine everybody with chronic lung problems all began to cough and splutter at once, choking up their lungs. That's what koala sex sounds like. If anybody suggests you root like a koala, slap them.

The koala bites and it bites hard. This is strange behaviour coming from an animal that does nothing but eat leaves. The leaves that it specializes in eating contains less energy than the average animal needs to live. It doesn't have enough energy to digest and do interesting things like declaring war on Poland.

Dingo: man's worst friend

The dingo is a dog. It breeds with other dogs to create mutants. It eats its own vomit. It also hates stupid people and their children. Lindy and Azaria Chamberlain, we're talking about you.

All in all, dingos rock because they eat little kids.

The Salt Water Crocodile: God's solution to Queenslanders

An enormous angry green reptile bastard. Final proof that God has a sense of humour. Eats tourists, livestock, domestic animals, crocodiles, pool tables, light aircraft.