John Howard

Note: This article appears to be satire, and contains almost no actual facts.

An Image of John Howard

Little John is the current pwning Dictator of Australia, succeeding the previous leader, Paul Hogan. Johnny goes by other names such as Honest John, The Walkinator and “Arse-Licker”.

Early Life

It is unclear when Johnny came to being, although early records show that a transference of a brain to an exoskeleton happened just after Federation in 1788.

The brain was tested on a game show in the middle 20th century and people were surprised how advanced and witty it was, seeming it said it had a middle name of “Winston”. However, over time the brain’s capacity to hold information has dwindled, due to excessive use in University before it was actually needed.

Early Politics

JWH joined The Australian Liars Club in 1957 and after 17 years of doing nothing he managed to get a seat in The House of Misrepresentatives for the seat of Bennelong, which is a pond where a singing sheep thief drowned himself whilst fleeing from the police.

Eventually, he managed to sleep his way to the top and install himself as Prime Minister of The Giant Island, defaulting to Dictator of The Sunburnt Country after his fourth successive election win. He is trailing behind in years by only one previous leader, Robert Menzies, whom attained the title “Sir” after patting the Queen of England on the back during a Vegemite eating contest.

Life at the Top

One of the first things Johnny did when he gained leadership was take away rifles from everyone in the country, forcing people to get dinner the primitive way; with boomerangs. He also pwned the Workers, introducing a bill called The Workplace Relations Act 1996, which outlawed inter-office sex or marriage, the effects are still being felt today so he introduced a new “WorkChoices” bill of 2005 (yet to be implemented) where the only choices available for workers are to sign individual contracts with employers taken from the History Museum’s Archive of The Feudal Past, or be castrated. The same deal may be implemented for men.

Other achievements include not saying “sorry” to the Aborigines. Why should he anyway? No such things exist. He promised not to have a GST (Goods and Services Tax) but did a backflip. He said children were thrown overboard from invading Japanese submarines on the Australian coastline, but after winning the election he did a backflip. He said he would not destroy Medicare but did a backflip.

Johnny Howard is incidentally one of the most acrobatic politicians in recent times.

Political Relations

hoWARd has been one of the most important political leaders to strengthen ‘Strailia’s international ties with the rest of the world. By “world” we mean America.

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John Howard and Bush just before bedtime.

After his long and enduring tax-payer funded visit to America in 2004, he was so impressed with the American Flag that when he came back, he made a new law, that if a Government School does not fly the flag, they will lose funding.

Every citizen in Australia knew of JWH’s extra-marital relationship with George Bush, that even the then opposition leader Mark “My Pancreas!” Latham had to go on record in Hansard and call Honest John an “Arse-Licker”, to the rejoice of many University Students, Homosexuals and Homosexual University Students. The evidence of the relationship is downloadable from almost any web page on the internets. Except this one of course.

Somewhat Recent Happenings

Bush Junior, when asked about what he thinks of Winston the Second, was startled by the question but continued to answer it with some irrelevant drivel on Sovereign Nations.

This hurt Johnny-Boy, it was actually more hurtful than the fact that he only won an election “with the biggest majority in Australia’s history” and not by attaining 100% of the vote.

So Howdy had a plan.

He introduced the “Anti-Terrorism Bill, 2005” but it was delayed getting through Parliament because the Premiers of the states (and territories) could not agree in the legislation. Funny that, because all the Premiers are on the opposite party to The Honest Dictator. The Chief-Minister for the Australian Triple-X Porn Capital Territory, Jon “I Have Fireworks and You Don’t” Stanhope, published the first draft of the Bill on his Parliamentary LiveJournal, which instantly became the most-visited page in Australia that week, just scraping past all the Midget-Porn pages. The leaders went into meeting again and when they exited their Cone-Of-Silence, the Bill had been agreed upon with a special provision. The provision was that Jon Stanhope could not publish the revised Bill on his website or he could face jail. John Winny Howard had to remind Mr. Stanhope that there was no Democratic Australia anymore. However, people really knew why Winny was upset; it was because the Midget-Porn pages bring tax revenue to the Federal Government. The overall debacle of the situation was just to get W to accept Little Unknown Johnny.

The Anti-Terrorism Bill had no date when it was going to pass into law, but Sneaky Howard knew what to do.

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John Howard taking the Anti-Terror Laws into his own hands.

On the first Tuesday in November, there is a race that stops the nation. The whole nation apart from the cunning politicians, that is. The race is about a horse in Flemington, a suburb of Melbourne (or “The Arsehole End of the World”, Thanks Jerry Seinfeld!) that runs real fast and tries to get first. The reason it stops the nation is because it gives everyone a reason to get knackered on what would be a work day (before it was officially declared a public holiday) and eventually everyone passes out from being sloshed. Everyone apart from the boring politicians, that is (with the exception of Bob “Whoever is Working Today is a Bum!” Hawke). So, anyway, everyone stopped, but in Candelabra, Parliament was being held and the politicians entered the Anti-Terrorism Bill into law, behind everyone’s back.

It turned out that the law worked a treat, with the Australian Federal Police given explicit right to raid many Moslem-Owned 7-11 stores and detain men in both Sydney and Melbourne. Many people were happy about this because Australian Citizens were sick-and-tired of getting gang raped by these men (and women).

(This even got on the news in Germany, so if you get on the news in Germany you know you must have done something right!)

Despite what the polls said before the raids (“Howard Polls Hits New Low”) the future is looking bright for Australia’s Own Hitler.

It seems John Winston Howard’s time has come. To call another Election.